DISCLAIMER: Ok, if you know me in real life, do not freak out after reading this post. I know we have some new readers, which is great – welcome! – but if you’re gonna read this on a regular basis, you are not allowed to freak out when I write about being miserable. This blog is one of the main ways I have to let off steam, and I try my best to brutally honest with myself about how I’m feeling. These words are not anything anyone needs to take action on, okay? And if you’d rather just have the updates, I would only read when Mike is posting if I were you. AND…I am weary of the whole Y and O thing – it makes it confusing to those who know us in real life. From now on, O is Noah and Y is Sawyer. I hope this doesn’t confuse anyone who only knows them as O and Y 🙂 .
So since Emmett’s been home (Tuesday afternoon), he’s been, umm, shall we call it ‘challenging’?
He does seem to have a bit more energy – this is currently being devoted to crying for long periods.
He is not eating or drinking any better – I didn’t expect this, but I think Mike is a little disappointed.
He has decided that nighttime is not for sleeping – it is for crying. Acutally the nighttime thing has been going on since at least the beginning of December. Somehow there always seems to be a reason why he wouldn’t be sleeping well – he’s got a cold, he’s running a fever, he’s got diarrhea, now maybe he’s just confused from the hospital? Except that before the surgery, he would sleep REALLY late in the morning to make up for being awake so much at night. Now? Now we’re lucky if we can even get him to take a nap if he’s not in the car.
The problem with this situation is that Mike and I are TIRED. We are tired of not sleeping well or at all at night. We are tired of listening to him cry ALL THE TIME. We are tired of so much. And as far as we know, I’m still growing a baby in this belly, so this also contributes to the tiredness.
***I wish I could do a sound blog to prove my point, because Emmett is currently in my lap, screaming his head off.***
So bless his heart, but we’re just getting used to drowning him out. We can now fall asleep with him crying – we don’t sleep well, but its something. And I feel really really bad for not just holding him all night long, but we have to sleep sometime. And like I said, he doesn’t make up for lost sleep during the day, plus I’ve got the other two to take care of. So naps are pretty much out.
All of this just stress and tiredness culminated in me bursting into tears at the pediatrician. We were talking about what the genetics team in London want him tested for (in addition to the microassay that is already being done), and all of it is bad. Really bad syndromes with no happy endings. And about how the medical command and tricare here are just watiting with baited breath to his word to send us back to America because they want us gone. And how our assignments choices will be limited in the future (although frankly, this is not always a bad thing at all). And I just lost it. I think I cried in front of him for at least 45 minutes. How pathetic is that? And he was so great, he just sat there with me and offerred up his own experiences, both as a pediatrician and a father of an adoted child, experiences that showed how with the right environment, the right specialists, the right therapy, and lots and lots of love, kids who have huge problems can make real progress – they can learn to sit, to crawl, to walk, to talk -all things I fear Emmett may never do.
My biggest fear is what if we don’t have all that love to give him? And by love I mean patience and energy and time (some of the main ways we express our love)- things that are in short supply around here.
What if it is always like this? What if he spends the majority of even just the next year crying? I know myself – I won’t hit him, or shake him, or anything like that. But I will stick him in his crib and walk away. Which is what you’re supposed to do when you can’t take the crying anymore right? But that’s not supposed to be a way of life.
Oh, and one of the more frustrating aspects of this is that if he’s out in a large group of people, Emmett is an ANGEL. He loves to people watch. But if we’re out in a group of people, Sawyer is not happy. In fact, Sawyer would be happy to only be around our family all of the time. And if we’re out and about, Emmett’s not practicing rolling over or tummy time or anything like that. And also people don’t understand when I tell them about the crying – after all, he’s smiling at them.
But the only smile I’ve gotten lately is the big one he gave me when I was bawling my eyes out at the doctor. Do you think he mocking me? It didn’t seem like a ‘chin up, mama, we can do this TOGETHER!’ kind of smile.