First, thanks to y’all out there who email to check on us when I haven’t posted in a while – I appreciate it a lot.
I haven’t written lately because my head’s been in such a bad place. Maybe that’s the PERFECT time to write, but really, its been pretty bad. And I have lots of IRL friends and family who read this, and I don’t want to worry anyone.
I have just been so FRAPPIN ANGRY lately. Angry at Mike because he’s out of town AGAIN. Angry at Emmett for being so hard to take care of – seriously, the boy cries for literally hours every day, whether I’m playing with him, holding him, etc. He’s lost a little weight again, and almost every feeding is again, a struggle. And I don’t know whether he’s frustrated at his inability to do anything, whether he just hates me, whether that’s just his personality, whether he doesn’t feel good, or what. All I know is that I don’t do very well with the constant crying. If you’re going to cry while I’m holding you, trying to comfort you, then after a while I’m just going to let you cry in your crib – at least I can shut out the crying for a bit. And I would expect this in a younger baby – O has colic when he was tiny, and cried unless you were walking him around, but Emmett is almost 8 1/2 months old. The scariest thing to me is that, who knows, we may be stuck in this stage for months or years…if it is just a stage.
Anyway, all of this leads to anger at myself – for being at the absolute end of my rope, for not being a better wife for Mike, for not being a better mom to Emmett, for (Lord help me) just not loving Emmett as much as I do O and Y. And I don’t think that the fact that he’s adopted has much to do with it. I think that I am still having such a hard time with the fact that our lives will probably never be ‘easy’again, and that this child might never be able to live independently, and that our whole family’s life (well, not Mike’s really) revolves around him, and that he just acts like he really, really, really DOESN’T LIKE me the majority of the time. He likes the boys, he likes being around other people – but alone with me – he HATES it. Which makes all the sacrifices we’re making a little hard to take. I think I could take almost any problem, almost any developmental delay, anything, if he would just act like he liked being around me, or if he acted like he was at all enjoying life.
Man, I am having a really bad few months here, people. I tried not to have really high expectations about our attachment process before we went to get him – we knew it was going to be really difficult. But I never expected it to be this hard. Any of it. And the worst is, what if it really never gets any better? Maybe he’ll have RAD – one of my worst fears. Maybe he’ll be in this infant stage indefinitely. Maybe he’ll never love me.
As I was telling a friend the other day, I just can’t think about the long term, because its just too scary to think about – we don’t even yet know the scope of all of his problems. But that makes it really hard to live in the here and now when the here and now is downright terrible.
So all of this is going around in my brain day after day, all the time, and I just feel worse about myself every day, and finally, I have had enough. So I took myself to the doctor the other day, and requested an anti-depressant (so much for us adopting from China one day). Tons of my friends have recommended that I get on one, even before we brought Emmett home, because of my anxiety problem. I have always resisted. Until now. Because I am done with being so awfully miserable.
So I hope this drug works – it’s celexa. Jennifer, I might be calling you soon for dosage instructions :). Of course, I can’t start it yet – I have to wait for the pregnancy test to get back. That should REALLY be negative, and the results should be back on Monday. I’d go and buy one at the store if me and the kids weren’t all sick. Oh yeah, did I mention that part?
Also that Emmett threw up all over Y’s feet this evening (the freak-out from Y was kind of amusing, I must admit)?
Okay – enough of the krazy. Emmett’s heart surgery has been scheduled for Dec 22 in London. Him and I will go down there this Wednesday for a day of pre-op testing. So he’ll definitely be in the hospital over Christmas, which sucks, but is really the only good time for us, because at least my mom can be here. I mentioned to the boys that we might be having Christmas in a hotel room, and they were not at all into that idea, unless we could take our tree and all of our ornaments with us.
So maybe we’ll do Christmas early. Or maybe, if the surgery goes well, one of us can come home for Christmas and have it with the boys. Or…anyone have any other ideas? I’d like to tell the boys to just suck it up, we’ll have Christmas in the hotel, but remember, they are only 2 and 4, and their lives have been drastically changed in the last 3 months. If they want to have Christmas with our own tree and our own ornaments, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Please start praying for Emmett’ surgery and recovery to go alright. This will be open heart surgery – they’ll stop his heart and put him on a bypass machine while they fix the hole and widen his stenosed vessels. Please pray hard, not only because he needs it, but because I think I will die of guilt if he doesn’t pull through, because I am so angry, because I don’t love him enough. Jeez, Lauren, selfish much?