So on Wednesday, he took 5 ounces total. Yesterday he did 9. Today so far he’s done 5 1/2, with one feeding left for the day.
Oh, this week has been hell…I ended up crying in front of the Early Intervention PT and Speech Pathologist, crying for the Early Intervention Social Worker, and especially crying in front of the cardiologist (of the inverted commas fame). This is a lot of crying, even for me.
All of these people gave me pep talks, saying how strong I am, how its unbelievable that we’ve made it this far, what a great mom I am, etc, etc.
I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like a good mom. I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated in my life. And its so hard to feel all this frustration about this situation and Emmett’s problems and not feel frustrated with him.
The cardiologist told us this week and next would be hell. He was SO right. I feel like such a failure, that I can’t even get my child to eat enough to maintain his weight and hydration status. And I feel like Emmett hates me. Or at least really doesn’t care for me. And that’s apart from the attachment problems on my side that I’m trying to deal with.
Oh, y’all, this is just so HARD. I am tired of the hard. I am ready for something good to happen for Emmett, for our family.
Frap, I’m crying again.
Of course, after all the crying at the cardiologist, with him saying that he was glad to see me crying, that he thought it was weird that Mike and I WEREN’T crying last week, considering the situation…he convinced me to inverted commas hold the course, and not have a NG tube put back in. He’s lost 1 pound this week, but the doc says he feels quite relaxed (!) about the situation, and reminded me that if we put the NG tube back in, he’d just start vomiting again. He reminded me that there are no good options for Emmett right now. He did say that he would talk to the surgeons and recommend that he has a g-tube placed, but that for now I should just keep truckin’.
And you know, this man gives a really good pep talk. I was halfway pumped up before I got out to the car park and realized that hey, we’re in the same exact situation that we were in when I walked in this building. And then I felt like crying again.
So we’ll see what the weekend holds.
We did get our genetics appointment moved up to Monday, so I’m happy about that – maybe they’ll have some ideas as to what may be going on in that teeny tiny body of his.
Oh, one more thing: the cardiologist asked how our marriage was doing, did I think that Mike and I would stay together, given all of Emmett’s needs. And while this is very much stressful for us, and we fight more than usual, lose our tempers more than usual, and both feel like we’re doing more than our share, I DO think we’ll make it. For Mike and I, divorce isn’t really an option. We promised God, and we promised each other. And if I could pick one person to go through all this with, I would chose Mike every time.
He is my soulmate – I don’t want to forget that.
Mike, if you’re reading this, I love you. I’m sorry I’ve been such a poophead when you’ve called this week. Please hang in there with me.
And thank YOU GUYS, for hanging in there with us – its got to be hard to read this stuff – after all, I don’t even want to be living it. Thank you for giving me permission to be sad, mad, whatever. And thanks for continuing to pray, and to hope that someday, somehow, things will get easier, and maybe even better.