Where we are

We’ve been having a pretty rough time of it for the past couple of weeks.

Two weeks ago today is when Emmett started up again with the very frequent vomiting. We don’t know why he’s doing it – he’s on several different medications for reflux as well as a gastric motility drug not available in the US. We’ve tried a hypoallergenic formula, we’ve tried lowering the volume and increasing the frequency – nothing seems to make it any better. And almost worse than the vomiting is the constant heaving, which makes him miserable.

This week is the first week we’ve seen blood in his vomit. It is probably just swallowed blood, as the NG tube is causing him to have a bloody nose, but still – pretty unnerving.

But the worst thing for us is that for the past 3 days, he’s refused to take anything by mouth. We don’t know if his behavioral aversion is getting worse because of all the vomiting, or if its something else, but it freaks us out badly. If he stops drinking formula altogether for a while, his body could forget how to swallow. Even before he stopped drinking, his drinking and swallowing seem less coordinated, as he’s only been taking anything by mouth at night for the last few weeks.

So we don’t know. Our Early Intervention feeding specialist is out of town for the next couple of weeks. We can’t get in to see the geneticist until mid-December. We are beyond frustrated.

And I, especially, am really struggling with why God would send this child to our family. He just seems to need so much more than we can give him. He needs someone who can work on all this feeding stuff and physical therapy stuff all the time. And honestly? – that person isn’t me. I have two other young children who need lots of attention too. I have a husband who will need to start leaving town again in less than a week.

I know that God has a plan for us. I just wish I knew that things were going to get better at some point. Because right now is really hard, and I have no idea how I am going to be able to manage when Mike leaves.

I’m sorry for being so negative – but I want to be honest with y’all. I think most people have the perception that we’re handling this all pretty well, but it sure doesn’t feel that way from here. Mike and I (okay, especially me) are short-tempered with each other and the older kids. I know that I am probably clinically depressed at this point – I could literally spend all day every day in bed.

We haven’t lost our faith – we know that God won’t give us more than we can handle. And we know that He loves Emmett and us. But God also doesn’t promise that things will be easy or painless, either. And I am all about easy and painless.

Ugh, sorry – I really need to get Mike to post – he is SO much better about staying positive. Maybe I can get him to post some Halloween pictures tonight.

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11 Comments

Filed under health issues

11 responses to “Where we are

  1. Beth

    It’s okay to be upset and frustrated. And if I were in your situation, I would be completely overwhelmed too. This isn’t what you were expecting.

    I’m so sorry this is so hard. It’s okay to be honest about how you’re feeling.

    I don’t know why this all happened, but something good will come from it.

    Hang in there. Love you!

  2. me

    I am not an expert at all, but my friends baby had issues with vomiting all the time….they added cereal to his formula and he was able to keep it down….praying he is better soon!

  3. I think it is good to be honest about how you are feeling. This is SO much for anyone to handle. I continue to pray for your family. You might be opposed to meds for depression, but maybe you should find someone you could talk to or get treatment from. I think a therapist would be great for you to have someone to let out all of your pain, frustration, and anger with that will not be judgmental, but instead very understanding. Just a thought. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I am so, so sorry everything is so tough for you right now. I can’t even imagine. I am still praying for you and little E~. Do you have a church women’s group or something like that you could turn to for help? Maybe get some volunteers to help you with the baby so you can have some time with the other boys? That might help with the depression as well. I hope you and the Dr.s are able to figure out his feeding issues soon so at least that part of the stress is resolved.

  5. I am so sorry about how hard life is right now. You and your family are dealing with a ton and it’s no wonder that are feeling depressed, short-tempered and downright exhausted and frustrated. Finding a therapist may be really helpful – and the meds, well those may be really helpful, too, to get through this. I will keep praying for you and your family. Hang in there!!

  6. Getting your feelings out is the best thing possible for you right now. You should be feeling frustrated and wondering why things are going the way they are going. The fact that you get up and get dressed in the morning is more than most could do 🙂 I agree with Dana…finding someone for YOU to talk with is imperative to keeping yourself together. Also, could you find someone to come in and help out a little?? Maybe a teenager could play with the kids after school while you do some running around 🙂

    Eventhough you don’t feel it now…YOU are doing an amazing job:)

  7. Donna Hassen

    Lauren,
    I’m so sorry that you are having such a hard time. No one expects you to be so positive and cheery with everything that you have been going through. I hope things get better. You just have to believe in the fact that you are a very loving mother and wife and you should be fine. What you are doing is amazing and it takes an extremely caring person to do what you do day in and day out. Good luck and keep your chin up!

  8. I can only imagine how overwhelming all of this is with two older children’s needs to meet as well. I am praying for you daily.

  9. Britta

    I feel terrible for you. I wish I could help. No one in their right mind would feel any different than you are right now. Maybe you should get an anxiety prescription to help you through this tough time- believe me it can make a tremendous difference. You are doing a pretty good job holding it all together- you haven’t given him back right? Well then, you are managing just fine. Hang in there- someone somewhere is going ot find the answers you are lokoing for. I found a thought in a daily devotional that might me worth contemplating… we should not expect not to suffer and struggle in our daily lives when God allowed his only son to suffer on the cross for us. He is there and understands you in your darkest times and will be with you always even when there appears to be no hope.
    I know there isn’t really any total comfort in that right now and they may seem just like words are easier than the reality of the situation. Hang in there you can do this. 🙂 Britta

  10. Of course you’re overwhelmed! I don’t think anyone in the world can imagine how tough you have it right now. I have no idea how you’re even waking up, let alone getting out of bed.
    The idea to join a church or find a women’s group was a good one. You definitely need help right now, and if you could get someone to come in and help with the baby, it might free you up a little more. What about contacting the hospital to find a medical volunteer? Or even finding a local high school/teenage girl to get community service hours being a “mother’s helper,” or to just assist you with the kids a few hours after school each day for cheap?
    I would also talk to your doctor, as others suggested, about rx options. It can be a temporary thing, but an anti-anxiety med or SSRI might help stabilize your mood.
    Your faith is what is truly amazing. I think it’d be normal for anyone to be questioning what God has in store for them during a time like this. Just hold tight a little longer and know that there are so many people praying for you. As my mom would remind me, “this, too, shall pass.” Hang on Lauren.

  11. Christina

    I think I’d be feeling the same way you are, in your shoes. You are dealing with some really tough stuff!

    We had an interesting sermon at church last week – it was about being Spirit led – and how the Holy Spirit sometimes leads us to do really hard or even painful things. (like Jesus going into the desert to be tempted, or Paul going to cities here he was imprisoned). The pastor’s point was that just because something is hard doesn’t mean God isn’t in it. Sometimes He leads us into the valley. I’m sorry that is where you are right now, but I do believe God planned for Emmett to be your son and God doesn’t make mistakes. I will be praying that God will give you strength and His all-surpassing peace in these hard times though. And always I’m praying for Emmett to be fully healed.
    Take care.

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