Cheers Y’all!

It seems like Vietnam adoptionland has exploded in the past few weeks. First you had some NOIDs being issued. Then you had the I-6oo changes. Then some more NOID talk. If you haven’t kept abreast of this stuff, please check out this post and this one, and most importantly, that one (check out the 100+ comments as well).

Here’s the thing for me: I just don’t get it. The whole working with an unethical agency thing. The I’m not gonna do any research into adoption agencies but will just pick some random agency thing. The I’m gonna work with an unlicensed agency thing. The I’m gonna blame the US government for my adoption problems thing. There’s so much I don’t understand.

Everyone who knows me knows that I have an, ahem, slight problem…I am an intellectual snob. I don’t think that I’m the smartest person ever, or even as smart as my husband, but I’m not stupid either. And I have a hard time dealing with people who are not so bright. When we made the decision to adopt, I researched. I think I first looked at a site that listed adoption agencies that would work with military families. I then narrowed it down to agencies that would work with overseas families. Then I narrowed it down to agecies with Vietnam programs. Then I sent off for info from every agency that fit that criteria. Then I found the AdoptVietnam site (links to all these sites are under the VN adoption info section to the right), which led me to APV, which led me to AAR, which led me to the recommended list of adoption agencies for Vietnam. Lo and behold, some of these agencies met my original criteria. Eventually, after more research, I narrowed our choices down to 2 agencies on that list. Hunky got involved at that point, and we made our final decision, part of which was based on wait times. The whole process took several months. So I guess I just don’t understand how someone could pick an agency because they liked what their website had to say, or had a good recommendation from a friend…I just don’t roll like that, I guess. And I have a hard time sympathizing with people who chose an agency like that, not knowing that it was unethical. But I try to sympathize. If you don’t know, then you don’t know.

 However, I have a harder time sympathizing with people who do a fair amount of research, find the AAR board, and then choose an agency that operates under a cloud of suspicion, or one who isn’t licensed to do adoptions in Vietnam at all. By the time we chose our agency, I felt like that decision could turn out to be one of the most important decisions of our life, in the event of a problem during the process. And I pretty much expect problems to happen. It just was not acceptable to me to choose an agency that had had problems before the shutdown in Vietnam, or worked with questionable facilitators, or whatever. Why would you do that, except to get a baby as fast as possible?

Now believe me, we also want a baby as fast as possible, but more importantly, we want an ethical adoption. If that means less fast, so be it. I also understand that the urgency for us isn’t what it is for others with no children - but, come on. Apart from the child being the most important part of the adoption triad, and our need to feel confident that our child was not stolen or bought from his/her first parents, I had a more selfish reason for picking an ethical agency - I want us to be able to complete our adoption. I operate under the fear that I will get caught if I do something wrong, because I usually do. If we work with an agency that is doing something shady, we would get caught, and all of the money, time, and energy that had been put into this process would be lost. I feel like international adoption has enough pitfalls innately… so to add to that uncertainty is crazy to me.

So. Being the snob  and self-rightous know-it-all that I am, I am so angry right now that I could spit. Because people have chosen unwisely, for either reasons of expedience or ignorance, and now everybody pays. Everyone who has a referral but no travel dates yet will pay by waiting additional time while their I-6oos are processed. I’m sure there are families working with ethical agencies in Vietnam right now, caught up in delays because of the changed I-600 procedure, as well as the investigations that are occuring. And someday we might pay, when the program collapses due to corruption.

How can we, as PAPs, prevent this from happening? I urge everyone to email their support to USCIS in Vietnam, to help prevent political pressure keep them from doing their jobs (see the post at Pho for Four for the email address). I urge everyone to really examine their agency’s ethics, and jump ship if red flags come up. Please don’t bury your heads in the sand - this goes for us too. We are committed to finding another agency if ethical problems show up with ours. Collectively, I think we can make a difference.

Which brings us to our next topic: special needs adoptions. Hunky and I have been talking a lot about the situation in Vietnam right now, and what is crystal clear is that healthy baby girls don’t really need a home - there are far many more PAPs on waiting lists than infant girls in orphanages. And we went into this wanting to provde a family to a child who needs one (apart from our selfish reasons). So Hunky and I are on the verge of requesting that our home study be ammended to allow us to adopt a child with a special need. After all, we are military, which means free healthcare, which applies immediately after the adoption is legal. Who could be in a better healthcare situation than that? I don’t think we are in a position to handle a major ongoing need, such as a child with HIV, because of our boys (although if we were to have another biological child, it would be with the understanding that we would care for our child no matter what, so I think that we could handle a situation like that, just that we wouldn’t ask for it)…but surgically correctable conditions, limb deformities, we can handle. Are we crazy naive to think we can do this?

We spoke to our agency’s Vietnam program director a few nights ago about this, and he told us that the agency is looking to start a special needs program soon. We really don’t want to be pioneers, but we don’t want to switch agencies either. And of course we don’t know if our social worker will even be willing to amend our home study…but I think we’ll find out tomorrow.

For all of those who are curious, we are working with Los Ninos International Adoption Center. I want to be held accountable for our agency choice. If anyone ever hears anything bad about our agency, I want to know, please. We are as sure as we can be that our agency is ethical. But how can anyone be 100% sure? And also, pretty please, don’t tattle on me when I post complain about them. That’s why I haven’t posted it before. But I’m done with secrecy :).